15 Important Life Lessons Sex and the City Taught Us

June 6, 1998. Do you remember where you were the night that Sex and the City premiered? I know I do. I was watching Matlock reruns with my older brother a.k.a. STILL BEING A VIRGIN! I was 14 years old; the last thing my parents wanted was to get cable and have me get ideas from these four fictional women—Carrie Bradshaw, Samantha Jones, Miranda Hobbes, and Charlotte York—and then try to cash in my virginity like it was a gift card to Barnes & Noble. (Except that instead of getting books, I’d just get a heart boner over a teenage boy.) And here I am, years later, and things have certainly changed: My V-card has a zero balance on it, I’ve dated a guy I proudly called my “Aidan,” and I have a wonderful group of girl friends who have become my second family. I owe a lot of this to HBO’s landmark raunchy-yet-touching comedy (which I discovered while in college) as it was the unofficial life guide that I used to help me navigate through my 20s in New York City.

So, in honor of Sex and City‘s anniversary, I’m kicking back with a cosmopolitan (actually, it’s a glass of kombucha, which instead of making me tipsy will make me toot like a jazz solo on the HBO show Treme), queuing up season four in my DVD player, and sharing some of the wisdom that Carrie & Co. bestowed upon me:

Lesson #1: If Your Face Is on a Poster, a Penis Will Be Drawn on It. That’s Just Science.

Look, Bill Nye the Science Guy may be an expert on protons and neutrons, but SATC pretty much has a master’s in Strangers Love Drawing Dangling Peens on Successful People’s Faces. And, yes, this is a DeVry University degree, and, no, the credits you currently have will not count if you transfer over to this school. The point is that some New Yorkers don’t give a damn about your good fortune, especially when it’s photoshopped and staring them back during the morning commute. So the best you can do is hang out near a bus or a subway like you’re a little kid waiting for Santa to come down the chimney and snap a photo of your poster as soon as it’s up because in about 20 minutes a Sharpie-colored peen will look as though it’s crashing into your head like it’s the Starship Enterprise crashing into planet Veridian III.

Lesson #2: Learn How to Be Like Your Bank and Accept Direct Deposit Without Questions A.K.A. Accept When a Man Don’t Want You and Move on With Your Damn Life

For six long seasons, we watched Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) go back to Big (Chris Noth) time and time again after he had consistently showed that he had commitment issues. Hello! He didn’t want to introduce her to his mother, which is a red flag that would make any smart person react the way I do when a yoga instructor says to hold a really difficult pose for 10 more seconds:

Real talk, if you’re dating a dude and he’s treating you like the private window tab in Firefox that he uses so the messed up stuff he’s googling doesn’t appear in his browser history, then—repeat after me, readers—he. Don’t. Want. You. Embrace that and quit holding out hope or, worse, getting back together with someone who is stringing you along. Yes, I do get that things worked out with Carrie and Big, but that’s because this is TV and not real life. In real life, he will end up with someone else and will post pictures of his kids on Facebook.

Lesson #3: Walking Around New York City in Heels Will Jack Your Feet Up and Piss Off Your Friends

I know, I know. Carrie & Co. make rocking four-, five-, and even six-inch heels seem glamorous and fabulous. But by now, we’ve all seen the pictures online that show the actresses wearing UGG boots when not shooting a scene. If you attempt to walk around NYC all day in sky-high heels like these characters, by the time it’s lunch, you’re going to collapse to the ground and say…

Meanwhile, your friends will cuss you the hell out like this is a Real World/Road Rules challenge and they can’t win unless every person crosses the finish line. So wear your sneakers or cute flats and save the drama for your mama.

Lesson #4: This Show Was the Pavlov’s Dog for Materialism

OK, OK, this vid is not in English—but if you’ve seen the show, you know the gist: Carrie tells Big that he needs to be friends with Aidan or she can’t keep him in her life, and then Big and Aidan get into a huge fight. Listen to me when I say that this is dumber than dumb. It’s a cute dream to want yourself, your current BF, and your ex to be one happy mixed family like the Kardashians, but that’s not realistic and only happens on TV shows. It’s better to keep your past and present loves separate.

Lesson #9: When Your Bestie Catches You Cheating With Your Married Ex, She Is Mentally Putting On a Doily So She Can Judge You Judge Judy Style

In season three, Charlotte catches Carrie and Big together and deduces that they’re having an affair:

I mean, really. Spending $40,000 on shoes is downright ignorant. I don’t think there’s much more to say than that, is there?

Lesson #13: Sequels Are Horrible.org

Look, I love me some Aidan, especially in Sex and the City 2 because he looked like a giant, delicious Cliff bar after a morning run:

BUT this sequel was completely unnecessary and pointless. The big drama was that Carrie kissed Aidan? That’s it?! After all the drama we’ve been through with these characters over the course of six seasons and a movie, this is what the writers give us? This B.S. ABC after-school special dilemma? Obvs, making out with a dude who isn’t your husband is bad news bears, but in the world of SATC, this transgression has all the relevancy of friending someone on LinkedIn: none.

Lesson #14: Friendships Are Some of the Most Important Relationships You Will Ever Have in Your Life, So Cherish Them!

Samantha (Kim Cattrall) offered to babysit Brady for Miranda. Charlotte lent Carrie money, so Carrie could purchase an apartment. A pregnant Miranda emotionally supporting Charlotte, who was struggling with her fertility. Carrie helped get the girls together, so they could support Miranda after her mother passed away. All of these are examples of just how much the these ladies were there for each other. This show, like The Golden Girls that came before it, was about the special relationship that woman have with one another. Sure, dating men plays a huge role, but like Big says: “You girls are the loves of her life; a guy is lucky to come in fourth.”

Lesson #15: Only on SATC Would a Woman Dump Her Fine-Ass Doctor Boyfriend (Who Loves Your Baby That AIN’T His) and Get Back Together With Her Jankity Ex Who Sounds Like a Character From Bobby’s World

Harsh? Maybe, but I’m being honest. Sure, Steve was all cute with his little legs and tiny voice, but sexy New York Knicks doctor Robert (Blair Underwood) was the jam. He had hot chemistry with her, their sex was awesome, and he lurved her. I know Steve and Miranda were meant to be together, but I still made this face when she gave Robert his two weeks notice and picked Steve:

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