I Have a Theory About the Next Bachelor After Tonight’s ‘The Bachelorette’ – golinmena.com
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I Have a Theory About the Next Bachelor After Tonight’s ‘The Bachelorette’

Me: “It’s The Bachelorette tonight! The men are gonna tell all!”

My roommate: “So, mansplaining, on TV.”

But before we get to all that, let’s look ahead at next season and our potential new Bachelors. If Rachel doesn’t pick Peter, he’s a good contender. One would have thought Dean, but he’s been spotted filming Bachelor in Paradise. Personally, I’m hoping that Blake K., the supercute Marine who went home on night one of this season, makes a dramatic reappearance. But you know who would make an amazing Bachelor? I’ll give you some hints: He went to Harvard, was just dumped and fired (sad backstory!), loves the spotlight, has TV experience, uses exciting language, and has some free time coming up. It’s Anthony Scaramucci! Think about it, ABC. (Did I tweet this joke earlier today? Yes, I did. Gimme a break, I’m not an Amazing Ideas machine.)

But fine, let’s get back to The Bachelorette. The “most talked-about men of the season” are here to explain the drama that’s been going down. Chris Harrison is making some joke about needing extra security and how he went to the gym because like, what if he needs to do a push-up!? Then we take a tour through the greatest hits of Men Tell All history, but I just started watching the show with Nick’s season so I don’t know who any of these people are :).

As we are reintroduced to these men, I notice three things:

  1. WHERE IS BLAKE K.?

  2. I hate that I know about all of these men.

  3. Will looks fine with that new mustache.

Guys, remember when Rachel read DeMario to filth? That was nice and gave me hope. That was a simpler time, like five to six White House chiefs of staff ago; frankly, I miss it. The lesser Blake and Whaboom get back into their fight that I completely forgot about.

“It should have just been like, Wha-bye.” —Adam

DeMario’s excuse for exchanging texts with another girl who isn’t Rachel is that he texts “everyone” and Lexi was his side chick, which is gross. I know everyone jokes about side chicks, but I find it super immature and demeaning to refer to other humans as “side” people and lie to them and cheat on them like it’s no big deal!!!! DeMario insists that there are no “ocular facts” about him and Lexi, but not only does Chris Harrison have receipts, he has video.

The men skirt around the more recent drama surrounding DeMario, and I’m not gonna get into it here, either, because it doesn’t have to do with this situation or with Rachel, but the group consensus seems to be that DeMario is trash and the men who align with him are trash as well.

“Lucas, you literally cannot call anyone else on this stage a joke.” —Will

Iggy continues to insert himself needlessly into other people’s fights, and Dean quickly emerges as a well-liked peacekeeper, the Benvolio of the group, if you will.

DEAN, JAMEY, ADAM, KENNETH, KENNY, BRADY, IGGY, MATTHEW, WILL, ANTHONY, LUCAS, DEMARIO, JACK, ALEX, JONATHAN
PHOTO: Paul Hebert, ABC

You know, without Hot Peter in the room, the hotness of the other men is able to shine through. It’s like, the stars are always out, but you can’t see them during the day because of the brightness of the sun. (Hot Peter is the sun, duh, and Rachel is the moon, and they are meant to be.)

Kenny, Will, and Dean politely explain that when it comes to Kenny vs. Lee, it’s Kenny all the way. DeMario defends Lee (eye roll) and says that Lee reached out to him during the whole DeMario-being-implicated-in-an-assault situation, and it’s just like, ugh. Kenny delivers the burn of the evening, saying that Lee’s problem wasn’t race (“racism feels a certain way”) but Lee’s overall inferiority compared to the rest of the men in the house. But we’ll get to the racist tweets later.

First, gotta do a post-mortem on Kenny’s relationship with Rachel. They didn’t strike me as lovers, though they had a great friendship vibe. But back to someone he did have chemistry with: Lee. Kenny pulls out a pretty great Lee impression and says he’s above succumbing to petty comments like “aggressive” because he’s a father. Kenny high road, Lee low road, we’ve been here before. This feels like the show covering its ass because it tried to set up a race war so sloppily earlier. Like, “Look, we’re ending this on such a mature, eloquent note.”

And then we get to meet Kenny’s daughter, McKenzie! She’s a star and a winner, and I love her very much. They both cry, and they’re going to Disneyland for Kenny’s birthday! F-ck you, The Bachelorette, why are you making me all teary? Now I have to call my dad.

CHRIS HARRISON, KENNY, MCKENZIE
PHOTO: Paul Hebert, ABC

Next, we hear from Lee. He uncomfortably explains that his behavior came from wanting to joke around and then, I guess, he dug himself into a hole when that didn’t go well. He has some things that he “needed to fix,” but a bunch of the guys in the group are like, Can you just please say that you acted racist and apologize for that? Dean calls him the hell out; it’s beautiful to watch. Also, Dean looks like he’s in the Rat Pack, and I’m OK with it.

We take a look back through Lee’s tweets, some of which are just what an unfunny man thinks is edgy humor (sigh) and some of which are super racist and unacceptable.

“I feel like I have a lot to learn in that area.” —Lee with theunderstatement of the year

Finally, Josiah asks the question we’ve all been wondering: “Why the hell would you go on The Bachelorette to compete FOR A BLACK WOMAN if you have a problem with the NAACP????” (paraphrased). Lee is like, “I don’t like racism at all,” but he cannot explain why he didn’t denounce his previous statements or what he “really meant” by them. I’ll just say this: Rachel, I am so sorry that the producers made you spend time with this guy, you and the men of color in the house deserve a lot better than that.

Anthony calls out Lee’s “invisible racism,” explaining that it doesn’t matter about Lee’s intentions if he is still motivated by an ingrained racism that he might not even be aware of but still needs to work on. He presses him to explicitly acknowledge his racist and sexist thinking because I mean, come on, you don’t make “jokes” like this if you don’t have these thoughts in your mind. Lee has some bullshit answer I’m not even gonna transcribe. He gives a pretty thin apology and then they all decide to educate each other, or something. Kenny and Lee hug.

Now to spotlight everyone’s favorite should-be-in-a-boy-band heartthrob: DEAN! He does a good impression of a sad person, but you know he’s getting mad laid from this show.

“People like themselves some Dean.” —Chris Harrison

Enter Rachel. She and Dean exchange adoring looks remembering the good times, even though she sent him home after saying the L word to him, so he comes up to the couch to talk about it. It’s friendly, they hug.

“Shade. The branches are out.” —Rachel, on the topic of DeMario

Rachel keeps it classy and vague re: race, but she does say to Lee: “I have the opportunity to be a spokesperson for African Americans, for women, and I just feel like you had such an amazing opportunity to be surrounded by different people and different cultures, and you didn’t take advantage of that…. I’d be more than happy to give you a black history lesson and a lesson on women’s rights!”

I’m kinda tuning out Adam. He brought a doll to the house. Did he think that was gonna work? I question the mentality. And oh God, I completely forgot about Fred, whom Rachel knew from middle school. Ahhhh, he is so intense. Rachel doesn’t like it, and neither do I. Why are they giving him a standing ovation?!?!

[Pause for bloopers, which would be pointless to recap but are very fun]

CHRIS HARRISON, LEE, JOSIAH
PHOTO: Paul Hebert, ABC

In case you forgot, the final three contestants are Eric, Hot Peter, and Bryan. And in case you were wondering, I would marry Eric, fuck Hot Peter, and kill Bryan.

Parting thoughts: The finale is next week! If Hot Peter doesn’t win, I’m putting myself in a coma.

Parting thoughts, part two: Hmm, are they giving Kenny a Bachelor setup???

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