OrangeHeads, holy. Crap. Was that a finale or what? The super-size last episode of the season not only delivered the goods, but it also made me simultaneously happy and sad. I’m glad that OITNB didn’t suffer from a sophomore slump and delivered a superior collection of episodes in comparison with last year. I’m sad it’s all over, but at least I got to share this journey with you. And what a journey it was, so let’s break down all the shocking things—Caputo’s nickname is “Beer Can”—and sad things—everything Crazy Eyes—that happened during “We Have Manners. We’re Polite.”

P.S. Check back at Glamour.com/entertainment/TV often for Orange Is the New Black recaps—I’ll be posting as I watch the series!

Miss Rosa wants to go out on her terms. Will she?

P.P.S. I know most of you will binge-watch this new season, but for the sake of everyone, please discuss only what happened in the episode that is being recapped, so no spoilers about later episodes in the comments section! If any spoilers are listed, we have the right to delete them. Thanks!

We open with the aftermath of the Red/Vee fight, and two men from SIS arrive at Litchfield to investigate what happened. Caputo wants to chat with them, but they only want to speak to Figueroa and ask him to fetch them coffee. Poor Caputo. He gets shut down more often than nightclubs during Rudy Giuliani’s reign as mayor of NYC during the ’90s.

Watson and Black Cindy discuss Red’s attack, and BC says she’s going to say she knows nothing about who did it. Vee enters the room and says she did beat up Red, but that the girls need to say that Crazy Eyes is the one who did it. F**K. YOU. Vee is beyond trifling, and she needs to die at this point. Anyway, Black Cindy and Watson aren’t feeling this plan, and Vee tells them that if they don’t, they’ll end up like Red.

The SIS cops interview various inmates. Morello says that Red and Vee have their history, Nicky wants them to go after Vee, Martiza says it was “the black one with the hair” (ha!), and Watson and Black Cindy go through with Vee’s plan. Next, the SIS visit Red and all she says is that she was attacked from behind and doesn’t know a thing.

Caputo visits Piper, who is now in SHU after breaking into Figueroa’s office. He’s curious why Pipes was stealing invoices and asks if Fig is embezzling money. Pipes says she will tell him everything if he stops her transfer. He’s thrilled with this idea and heads over to Fig’s office. She’s on the floor, sobbing, and tells him that her husband is cheating on her with a man. He consoles her by telling her that it’s not her fault and then drops the bomb that he knows about the fraud. She looks startled. He tells her he’s done with the B.S. and she offers him a BJ. He’s down. When she unzips his pants, she’s speechless, and he says, “Yeah, they called me ‘Beer Can’ in high school.” Call me Gross McGee, but I’m…intrigued. Guys? Guys? You’re right, I’m going to go sit in a corner. Moving on. Fig finishes the job, asks if he will keep quiet, and that’s when Caputo goes, “Oh, I already gave copies of everything to the warden.” DAMN! That was shady as hell, but she didn’t even seem too pissed off because #GameRecognizesGame.

Sister Ingalls, who is next to Red in medical and still not eating, is annoyed that Red didn’t say it was Vee. Red says she has something else in mind, but does she or is she just terrified of Vee now? Across the prison, Pipes is out of SHU and tells Nicky that she’s not getting transferred and that Alex is coming to visit her. Nicky gets upset that Pipes is making everything about her instead of expressing concern for Red.

Caputo and Bennett talk. He tells Bennett that all the transfers are canceled and that Fig is going to lose her job and the warden is test-driving him.

At the cafeteria, Taystee and Poussey sit together. I think maybe they fooled around? I’m not sure, but I’m just glad they’re hanging out again. A few tables over, Nicky and Morello tell Vee that’s she’s garbage and call Black Cindy and Watson out for blindly following Vee. Vee leaves, and BC and Watson join Taystee and Pouss, who say that Vee might do what she did to Red to them.

Healy is prepping for another Safe Place meeting, but no inmates show up. He leaves and sees Pennsatucky in the salon with Boo and Sophia and getting her hair done. Boo says that if she wants to be with the lesbians, she has to chop her hair off. I just love how gullible Pennsa is about all of this. Healy is hella Drake emo and interrupts the girls’ hangout to announce that he’s canceling Safe Place.

CO O’Neill visits Caputo and tells him there are a bunch of nuns at the gate, who are there to support Sister Ingalls’ hunger strike. They go outside to meet with the women and Caputo tells O’Neill to babysit the nuns while he figures this out.

Vee goes to Crazy Eyes and uses her evil to make CE believe she did attack Red. UGH. Next, Soso appears on-screen, and I react the way I do when my boyfriend proves me wrong about something in front of my friends:

Seriously, I really hope Soso is not back for season three. She doesn’t add anything to the show whatsoever. Anyway, Vause visits Pipes. They bicker for a bit, but it’s obvious they still have feelings for each other. Vause eventually breaks it to her that she’s going to skip town and never come back. Pipes asks her not leave, but Vause is in too much danger and apologizes and tells Pipes she loves her.

Nicky confronts Boo and tells her she needs to make things right and asks her to tell her where Vee keeps her stash. Across the prison, Crazy Eyes is desperately looking for her lock. When she can’t find it, she thinks that maybe she did beat up Red. Taystee tries to convince her that Vee is a liar, and if she takes the fall for this, she will end up in maximum security with an attempted murder charge. CE freaks out and tells Taystee to leave her alone.

Bennett tells Daya that he can’t admit he’s the father because he and Caputo are getting promoted and she has to keep this and the Figueroa thing a secret. She’s not thrilled about this. Of course, she heads to the kitchen and tells the entire Latina crew about Fig. Gloria then walks over to the other side of the kitchen after seeing Norma trying to make bootleg arsenic and tells her that won’t work and that there are other ways to get rid of Vee.

CO O’Neill is beefing with the nuns, and Sister Ingalls looks out the window and isn’t pleased that they showed up. She and Red talk sex, and when food arrives, Sister Ingalls says even though she wants to eat, she can’t break her hunger strike now that the nuns are here. Red says she will rat Vee out if Sister Ings eats half of Red’s sandwich.

SIS interviews Crazy Eyes, and she says that Vee didn’t attack Red and then acts super crazy. Now SIS has her marked as a prime suspect. Dammit, Crazy! Meanwhile, Morello and a CO are taking Rosa to her chemo appointment. Her doctor tells her the chemo isn’t working and she has only three to six weeks left to live:

Vee goes to her bunk and finds a note that lets her know all of her heroin is gone. Vee starts looking for her supply in the warehouse, but finds nothing. Black Cindy walks in, and Vee slaps the crap and threatens to stab her with a broken broom handle if BC doesn’t tell her who has been in the room. BC says she doesn’t know and Vee storms out.

Healy visits Red and tells her that SIS is pinning the whole thing on Crazy Eyes. Sister Ingalls tells Red to say something. Red asks him to bring SIS back in so she can tell the truth, but Healy won’t and says it’s too late to change her story. Oof.

Polly and Larry visit Piper and ask for her blessing on their relationship. REALLY?! Can these two go die in a fire somewhere? I’m beyond done with this goofy mess. Across the prison, Pennsatucky tries to chat up Healy, but his feelings are hurt. Norma and Gloria are making some sort of voodoo-spell powder, which Norma later blows on the back of Vee’s neck. Hmm, what’s happening here?

Crazy Eyes is with Healy and says that she thought she was mopping the warehouse at the time of the attack, but Vee says that she was beating up Red. He tells her that it’s highly unlikely she hurt Red. You can see how much it pains him that she might go to jail for something she clearly didn’t do.

Caputo checks in on Figueroa and let’s her know that he’s taking over her job. She tells him that she’s not fired and resigned because the warden doesn’t another political scandal. Taystee and Poussey are working in the library, and Watson and Black Cindy come in peace. They tell Pouss and Taystee that the drugs are gone and the four girls decide to come up with a plan to take down Vee.

Sister Ings finally breaks her hunger strike and takes a bite of muffin. Just then, Caputo comes in the room. She hides the muffin, and he tells Sister Ingalls that she’s not be being transferred anymore and asks her to eat. Red tells her to not eat and keep fighting the power. He lets them know that Fig is out and her eating would show the administration that he can handle his job. He offers her a muffin, and she takes a bite. Red rolls her eyes at Caputo thinking he saved the day.

Healy visits Luschek and drops the hint that they are going to say that Crazy Eyes was working in electrical at the time of the attack and that Luschek needs to write up a report detailing this. YES!

Vee goes to Taystee and tries to butter her up, but that’s when the rest of the black-girl crew comes around. Vee says she will find a new family, and the black-girl crew say they’re going to recant their story.

As Morello, Miss Rosa, and CO Ford head back to the prison, he tells Morello that Rosa is dying for good. Back at Litchfield, the SIS tell Crazy Eyes that she’s going to be transferred to another facility. Even though they don’t think CE is the one who did it, they just want to go home. Yuck. As they’re leaving, the black crew tell the SIS that it was Vee and then Healy walks over and presents the work order saying that CE was working. Now the case is back open.

Bennett visits Caputo in his new office. Bennett confesses that the baby is his. Caputo doesn’t want to deal with the drama and says that if he loves Daya, he should be quiet or he’s going to send Daya to a maximum-security prison. Bennett does as he’s told.

Pipes calls Polly and Larry and asks them for a favor. She wants to them to contact Vause’s probation officer and let him know Vause is trying to skip town. This way, Vause will get thrown back in prison and they can be together again? What kind of rinky-dink plan is this, Pipes??? Learn how to be alone, girl.

Healy, SIS, and the black-girl crew look for Vee, but they can’t find her. In the greenhouse, one of the old ladies sees that the tunnel has been uncovered, so she covers it back up. We cut to outside, and Vee is outside the tunnel and on the run!

Boo and Nicky go to the hiding place where they stashed Vee’s drugs, so they can put it back in the warehouse, take Caputo there, and nail this on Vee. Boo doesn’t like this idea and is worried that Caputo might think it’s their drugs. Just then, we hear alarms. It’s a prison shut-down while the COs look for Vee.

Someone knocks on Vause’s apartment door and starts to key in. Vause grabs her gun and almost shoots the garbage man. He keyed in because her probation officer wanted to check on her and now that he sees the gun, she’s probably going back to prison. Cut to me being like:

Because on one hand, I’m glad Vause’s shady ass is getting screwed over, but on the other, I know I’m going to have to endure another season of watching Pipes and Alex alternate between scissoring and fighting. Yippee.

During lock-down, Pipes reads the letters that Vause sent her. Some inmates read, others work out, some just gossip, and Crazy Eyes cries because she misses Vee. This breaks my heart. I wish I could hold Crazy Eyes. CO Ford leaves Morello and Miss Rosa alone for a moment to help out with the lock-down, and that’s when Morello jumps out of the van and tells Miss Rosa she can’t die this way and should just drive off. Morello exits. As CO Ford comes back, Miss Rosa peels off.

Caputo takes Sister Ingalls to the nuns to talk about how she ended her hunger strike. Just then, Miss Rosa comes barreling down the driveway and drives off campus. Poor Caputo. His job has turned into a nightmare. Does this mean that Figueora is going to come back?!

Miss Rosa is relaxed and listening to the radio. Vee leaves the woods and heads to the road and sees the van. Miss Rosa sees Vee and runs her over with the van!

Bye, bitch!

What did you think of the finale?

Also, thank you for watching the show and reading these recaps. They’ve been a lot of fun. Looking forward to doing it again for season three. Love you. Mean it.