The Bachelor Episode 2 Recap: I’m Not Crazy

Ah, episode two. Everyone starts out so dewy and new and hopeful, especially Caila, a Cupcake Doll that some ’90s girl dutifully watered and taught grammar until she became a human woman. (Caila would have nailed the creepy smell test.) By the end of episode two, though, everyone has crossed onto the dark side, scaring away poor LB, who evidently thought she was headed to friendship ‘n’ soccer camp. But before all that came all this:

Almost slipped that creepy comment by us, thanks to your baby voice: JoJo

“I’ve never been this turned on in a high school before.” Well…good, I guess? Because high schools are full of children.

Most tedious costume partygoer: Chris Harrison

You can tell that Chris talked a big principal-costume game, like he was going to show up dressed all dorky, then had a vanity panic attack at the last second and had his gag sweater vest taken in/glasses upgraded until he most closely resembled something JC Chasez wore during his “take me serious” phase.

Most accurate re-enactment: Homecoming

The person who won was a real head-scratcher, the 5 mph car lap got awkward after all of 20 feet, and a bunch of jealous b—es stood around glaring at the queen while just barely managing not to bring up that time she got totally wasted on Smirnoff Ices and peed on Emily’s parents’ waterbed.

Consummate professional: Ben

The HR vibe of this Bachelor season continued apace all episode, peaking when Jennifer eagerly asserted her confidence that she and Ben “could be a great match” and he warmly replied that he was “glad to hear that.” Then they shared a quick kiss and scurried off to endorse each other on LinkedIn.

Whitest intro of all time: Ben, of Kevin Hart and Ice Cube

I think he said, “Kevin Hart tells universally hilarious jokes and Ice Cube has done everything from act to rap. Did I pronounce that right, ‘rap’? I don’t know if either of them golf, but I do!”

Most boring: Ben and Caila

Quick, name one thing—literally anything—these two talked about. I kept waiting for them to put each other to sleep at the same time and face-plant into their (sadly untouched) tacos. There was so little going on here, I almost suspect that Hart and Ice Cube were edited in later, after ABC, desperate to save this segment, completely fabricated the existence of a Ride Along sequel as an excuse to bring two people with a range of facial expressions into the scene.

Least boring: Shushanna

Shushanna cannot smell like cabbage because she has not eaten cabbage in at least two weeks. Is not possible.

Best villain: Olivia

Olivia is the villain this franchise has been searching for for 20 seasons: the evil, perfect girl every guy in every rom com needs to break up with so he can be with the heroine. She’s blonde, with great clothes and flawless, terrifying teeth. And as is possible only in rom-com world, she is a “news anchor” at the age of 23. Plus, how fantastic is her nutso gape face? Here’s Olivia demonstrating said gape face face as a lizard crawls toward her mouth. *Actually, this is Elaine Hendrix in the 1998 version of The Parent Trap, which only proves my point perfectly.

Biggest mystery: Why can’t Amber just walk over and talk to Ben?

Seems to be how everybody else is doing it. But, cut her a break—this is only Amber’s eleventh time on the show.

Best at convincing guys she’s not crazy: Lace

When you want to be sure a guy doesn’t think you’re crazy, the best thing to do is to periodically emerge from the shadows, accost him, and remind him that you’re not crazy. To really drive the point home, turn to a camera and desperately remark that he’s seeing the Lace you didn’t want him to see (until after you’d flushed your birth control and successfully trapped him for life). Then, lighten things up by describing the way your bangs looked in a photo of you as a child (?) and, if his mind seems to wander, bark that it’s hard for you to open up about said photo and he ought to be grateful you’re talking about it. Ben, Lace, Denver’s only big enough for one of you. Seriously, the city’s police force cannot handle the inevitable stalking problem that’s going to arise here.

Click here to read Jess’s just-out interview with Higgins himself.