*The Bachelorette*: Asses in Chaps and the Ghost of Tierra

This group would be wise to learn now: Doesn’t matter whether the challenge is dressing up like Western extras, penning comedy bits, or doing rhythmic gymnastics across landmarks—if Juan Pablo is eligible to win, Juan Pablo’s gonna win. A lady’s got to take care of number one sometimes. Read on for more Hartsock-related revelations and our weekly awards…

The narrator award: Michael

Michael’s gunning for Harrison’s job continued last night, when he narrated a solid 80 minutes of the show (seriously, go back and see if anyone else talked during the dodgeball segment). There’s no mistaking the fire of ambition in his eyes, not least because it’s gotta be awfully tough to jump back into the federal prosecutor game when the first 10 Google Image results for your name are you in a red tank, matching headband, and five o’clock shadow. On your chest.

The Tierra Award: Brooks

These days, it’s standard practice on The Bachelor/The Bachelorette to have a Hunger Games moment early on—i.e., a physical group activity that results in the injury of a cast member and subsequent ambulance sequence. (The job of the Bachelor or Bachelorette during this segment is to whine about how they never thought this could happen and it’s the last thing they wanted, someone getting hurt.) Anyway, I think we all remember Tierra and her catastrophic eye makeup setting the bar pretty high last season with a little something called Fake Hypothermia, so I have named this distinction after her. And I’m awarding it to Brooks, who, after breaking his finger, writhed and murmured that his body felt light and flashed his crotch at the camera multiple times. But I gotta hand it to Brooks. He turned pain into…

The painkiller confidence award: Also Brooks

The only place the guys expected to see Brooks that evening was in a sky-hologram as the cannons went off. But hours after his hospital admittance, Brooks finally closed his legs, opted not to change his outfit, and went skipping off to the cocktail party, high as a kite. He scampered about for a while, giggling and holding his hand up, then finally mumbled something at Desiree and kissed her. Somebody got a prescription for bravery! But for every high, there’s a crash…

Best use of one of Oprah’s Favorite Things: Yet again, Brooks

Even though Brooks pushed through severe injury to be here, cute Chris still gets the cocktail party rose. Luckily, this sumptuous pastel-plaid throw (made from the wool of Kobe-fed sheep raised in Sonoma Valley) has always comforted Brooks in times of disappointment.

The “Hey, this guy’s still here!” award: Brad

Guys, remember Brad? I sure didn’t. Until he wised up to the fact that if you want some one-on-one attention, you’ve got to think of Something to tell Desiree. Something worth pulling her aside with a grave look on your face so that she can’t say no. Every time one of these guys walks her somberly to a fern-shrouded bench, I can see her playing that classic game in her head: Child, Dark Past, or Diabetes? (In Brad’s case, it was child. I think. I already kind of forgot. He is the leading cause of boredom-related amnesia.)

The careful what you wish for award: Chris

Like I said, Chris won the cocktail-party rose. And then looked like he wanted to return it for store credit immediately when Des turned the corner and surprised him with yet another spontaneous private concert. Sorry, Chris. No givebacks. Stand here and “dance.” It’ll be over soon.

The kidding-yourselves award: Everyone who walks this way

Des walked this way with at least four guys last night. Please, guys—this is something we all learned in the time it takes to get from the mall entrance to the Orange Julius. It’s not feasible to walk this way. Just cuddle when you reach your destination. Thanks.

No shirt under the hoodie award: Zak

When it comes to deep V’s, Zak doesn’t so much prefer cotton as he does his own deeply tanned, well-oiled skin. It’s a great look in that it distracts everyone from the fact that you’re trying to pass yourself off as 31.

The how dare you award: Brian’s girlfriend drama

What makes me mad about Brian coming on the show with a girlfriend isn’t the dishonesty or the right-reasons thing. It’s that this s—storm interrupted Desiree’s sketch time. Don’t people realize how fragile inspiration can be? One distraction, and the entire spring collection—poof, gone! Thanks a lot, not-staged land-line call from Chris Harrison!

Best girl-power moment: Desiree and Stephanie hugging

Stephanie comes strutting in, hand formally extended, and Des is all no WAY, we ’bout to send a message here and dives into a strange woman’s arms.

The “You always find a perch, don’t you, you weirdo?” award: Brandon

Weirdo.

The “It’s all about you, bro” award: also Brandon

Brandon’s extremely upset about something he didn’t see happen on the porch because his mom used to have a boyfriend.

The correct reaction award: Michael

Look at this image again. As Brandon struggles mightily not to break down completely, Michael struggles mightily to ignore him and get the pickles open.

Actual best Lone Ranger: Zak

Let’s get something straight. Juan Pablo won the Lone Ranger challenge because, earlier that day, Des was like: wait, so whoever wins sits with me in a Make-Out Barn for the length of a movie? How long is the movie? Depp long? Yeah, we don’t even need to have the contest. I’m bringing Juan Pablo. But had this competition been judged on merit, Zak would’ve won. Not only did he look genuinely out of his mind with enthusiasm at the mention of Armie Hammer’s name, he also introduced a solid booty-pop to the art of the shootout.

The instantly unattractive award: Ben

Hey guys, want to be instantly unattractive but don’t know how? Try our easy three-step program. First, perfect a cocky backward walk. Then, don a halter tank. Finally, raise one finger to your lips and say, “Shhhhhhh remember, it’s our secret.” Ew.

Goodbye to: allegedly wifed-up Brian (obviously), poreless Dan (hey, what’d he do?), and Brandon (tears galore).

What’d you guys think of the Bachelorette bunch this week?