The Best and Worst Moments of the American Music Awards
Look, we all know that the American Music Awards is like a PB&J: You’re not going to start your day with one, but when it’s 11:53 P.M., you’re wasted, and the line at Popeye’s is out the door, you will take yourself home and eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich while watching Cheers on Nick at Nite and questioning where you messed up in life. What I’m trying to say is that checking out the AMAs is proof that I need to manage my time better, but I can’t help it! I love awards shows. And, boy, did the AMAs deliver. I’m breaking down last night’s best and worst moments in a segment I like to call “Lady Boner or Lady Groaner.” The concept is simple: If the moment was as hot and awesome as a tray of buttermilk biscuits, it’s a Lady Boner; however, if what happened was as jankity as a broken Skip-It toy, then it’s a Lady Groaner. So, let’s take a look at the best and worst of the 2013 American Music Awards:
Lady Boner: Pitbull’s questionable hosting skills.
I’m well aware that he has no business hosting, so why are my lady bits at full mast? Because Pitbull was memorizing with his unfunny jokes, commenting on every ethnic presenter’s ethnicity, and overall awkwardness. He was a train wreck, and I lurved it. Check out this lil bon mot from his opening monologue:
*[Latinos in the audience scream]*Pitbull: Now, if you didn’t scream, you should’ve because one way or another you are. Don’t blame me; blame Christopher Columbus for that one.
Um, yeah, my brains pretty much ejected themselves out of my head the way James Bond does villains out of his car after listening to that mess.
Lady Groaner: Katy Perry’s opening performance of “Unconditionally.”
I rarely use my the GPS in my boyfriend’s car, but about halfway through this performance, I put on my slippers, went outside, typed in his address under “Current Location,” and then under “End,” I put “The cliff Thelma & Louise drove off of” because as much as I enjoy Ms. Perry’s music, not this:
Why the eff is she roaming around the stage in Hanes Her Way socks like she’s about to bust out her [Tom Cruise](/about/tom-cruise) in *Risky Business* impression at any moment? Geishas wear shoes, girl!
__Lady Boner: [Ariana Grande](/about/ariana-grande) shutting down the AMAs like it’s a Dell laptop with her performance of “Tattooed Heart.”____
Seriously, everyone in the Nokia Theatre, grab your belongings and get your car from valet because Ariana was incredible. I’ve said it before, but I will say it again: She is the next Mariah Carey, and obviously the AMAs agree because she went on to win the Breakout Artist Award. Go, Ariana!
Lady Groaner: One Direction’s “Story of My Life”
Look, I know they’re cute and their hair is doing some variation of the [Cameron Diaz](/about/cameron-diaz) hair from *There’s Something About Mary* (#Memories), but this is precisely why I told e’erybody to go home after Grande was done. She has a flawless voice, and these boys didn’t match up. I think they were nervous, and that’s why Harry’s voice cracked and sounded like he was yelling in some parts. I really wanted to like this because they’re hot pieces, but they put my ears in the ICU. Don’t hate me, *[Glamour](/)* readers!
__Lady Boner: Macklemore’s acceptance speech/”Can’t Hold Us” performance__
Let’s get this straight: He didn’t have the best rap album of the year. That was Kendrick Lamar, in my opinion; however, I love how Macklemore always uses his acceptance speeches to speak out about LGBT, political, and social issues. If he continues to do that, I’m down with him winning all the awards. Now, onto “Can’t Hold Us”:
Damn, if this guy doesn’t put on a good show! I love the passion, the good flow, and the crowd surfing. More please!
Lady Groaner: Rihanna’s hair???
Um, Ri-Ri knows she’s at a nationally televised event, right? So I don’t get why she walked out the house with her hair wrapped up in bobby pins like she’s stepping out of a hair salon for a quick second to buy hot Cheetos from Walgreens.
Lady Boner: Justin Timberlake’s country-ish performance of “Drink You Away.”
Remember when I told everyone to go home after Ariana Grande’s amazing performance? Well, y’all need to come on back and get your seats because JT just destroyed:
I mean, I would’ve signed up renter’s and undies insurance if I had known he was going to rip the roof off of both of them.
__Lady Half-a-Boner: Rihanna and the Icon Award.__
I love me some Ri-Ri, but she didn’t even get her hair did before getting presented with this award—so let’s take it down 27 notches. However, if this Icon Award is an excuse for us to see her deliver an impassioned performance—as opposed to her usual far-off stare when she sings—then fine. She was great, and her acceptance speech after her mom presented her with the award was charming and sweet.
Lady Groaner: Jennifer Lopez’s ridiculous Kohl’s commercials throughout the award show.
Chile, please. You know you shopping at Kohl’s is like me shopping at the dollar store for a pregnancy test. It. Ain’t. Happening.
Lady Boner: Jennifer Lopez’s tribute to Celia Cruz was THE performance of the night.
Just as I was tired of seeing yet another one of her commercials, J.Lo shows up at the AMAs with an epic performance of classic Celia Cruz songs:
The singing, the dancing, the costume changes. It was perfection, and I really wish she would release an album full of this kind of music. J.Lo is a true talent, and I’m happy she reminded us of that.
__Lady Groaner Turned Into a Full-On Boner: Florida Georgia Line and Nelly singing “Cruise” and “Ride With Me.”__
You guys, I was fully prepared to hate their performance as “Cruise,” while a massive, massive hit, was never one of my favorite songs of the year. But shoot, it’s catchy, and FGL can sing. Now throw in Nelly rapping one of his early hits “Ride With Me” and I just couldn’t resist loving this:
Lady Boner: Lady Gaga & R. Kelly’s brignorant (a.k.a. brilliant ignorance) performance of “Do What You Want”
These two are insane, and that’s why they are a match made in heaven. From the high school-esque production in which she plays a secretary who’s having an affair with President R. Kelly to R., apropos of nothing, yelling out, “Who put these pictures on Instagram,” it’s clear that these two are super serious about being taken seriously when they perform and that they’re also in on the joke. Relieve the glory:
__Lady Boner That Isn’t Sure It Should Be Boning: [Miley Cyrus](/about/miley-cyrus) going full Internet with “Wrecking Ball.”__
#RealTalk, as soon as I saw the giant GIF of a cat behind Miley, I was like:
As soon as she finished singing, I was like, “OK, she was pitchy in parts, but overall it was fine.” I just think that if she did a stripped-down performance with no distractions, no scantily clad outfits, no buffoonery, I would be more interested because “Wrecking Ball” is actually a pretty song. I can’t focus on the emotions of it when I see a cat in the background looking like it just ate a piece of cantaloupe:
Lady Boner: TLC reuniting and performing “Waterfalls” With Lil Mama.
Normally, I’m anti groups coming back together after one of the members has passed away, but this one got to me. TLC was one of my favorite bands when I was a teenager. To see T-Boz and Chilli lose not only a bandmate but one of their closest friends was tough. That’s why it was amazing to see them performing again and looking happy. Left Eye would be proud. My only grievance? The AMAs should’ve let them do a medley.
__What did you think of the AMAs? What were some of your favorite good and bad moments from the show?