The Definitive Disney Bad-Girl Burn Book

OK, Maleficent gets to tell her side of the story this weekend, but what do the rest of you villainesses and antagonists have to say for yourselves? Wait, I don’t actually want to hear it—first, you all need to get roasted. It’s high time you had a dose of your own medicine.

Cruella DeVille

Cruella, I will give you that your parents set you up to fail by literally naming you “cruel.” But can we talk about how your social power is totally out of whack with your hair? You should, for all intents and purposes, be a pariah based on your hair alone—but somehow you’ve achieved mean-girl nirvana. PETA should be camped outside your house, but you’ve scared even them off. Also? Maybe wear a bra once in a while. Just saying.

Joanna the Goanna, Rescuers Down Under

Joanna, you’re in over your head with the kidnapping and the whole turning on your fellow animal-kingdom members thing. I get that. But it’s time to take responsibility and make some changes in your life. Like maybe just start with not eating your neighbor’s egg-babies, how about that? Worst goanna I’ve ever met.

The Evil Queen from Snow White

Evil Queen, I think I know the root of your moody ways. You consistently wear the facial equivalent of having a stick up one’s ass. Like, it’s Friday, loosen the wimple a little and let that jawline breathe! You’re never going to meet anyone in that thing, and let’s face it: We all know you need to get laid.

Gaston’s groupies from Beauty and the Beast

Wha? Us? Yeah, you, blondies. If you didn’t literally faint every time brunette Fabio walked by, he wouldn’t be such an egomaniac. You know that bookstore Belle’s always in? Go get yourself a copy of The Feminine Mystique and start respecting yourselves already.

Aunt Sarah from Lady in the Tramp

Aunt Sarah, what is your deal? Stop muzzling Lady over mischief the cats clearly made. It’s always the cat’s fault, Aunt Sarah, it’s not that hard. What’s that? You sent Lady and Tramp biscuits at the end of the movie to make up for your misguided behavior? Wow, a box of bones. What a gesture. Beat it.

Lady Tremaine, Anastasia and Drizella from Cinderella

You guys are the original inspiration for the phrase “don’t hate me ’cause I’m beautiful.” We all know your bitterness comes from a dark, twisted place—namely, your eyebrows.

Ariel’s sisters from The Little Mermaid

Um, maybe stop brushing your hair once in a while and take a look at the world around you? Your sister could use your help. You lazy brats spend more time in bed than the cast of Jersey Shore, and having (admittedly really cool) pastel shell beds is no excuse.

Shenzi from The Lion King

“No king! No king!” We get it, Shenzi, you’re the girl in high school with the pen-drawn anarchy symbols all over her backpack. But since things aren’t exactly naturally stable on the savanna, maybe you could go ahead and not wreck Mustafa’s legacy of democratic progress.

Ursula from The Little Mermaid

Ursula, I know I should hate you, but you just seem like so much fun to hang out with—the kind of lady who’d be down for a fried chicken and karaoke kind of night. Do you drink Miller High Life? I totally suspect you drink Miller High Life, and I’m not mad at it. Let’s tear your page out of the burn book and have inside jokes forever.