My Big Boobs Are Not a ‘Trend,’ Thank You Very Much

Hi, my name is Lindsay, and I have inarguably big boobs—specifically, they’re 34Es, which means they’re big enough that most U.S. lingerie brands don’t carry bras in my size. (I have to shimmy, lift, and tuck myself into triple-D cups, the largest option available, usually, and hope gravity will be kind to me—well, us.) Some days my chest and I are feelin’ ourselves; others—the week before my period, for instance—we’re not quite so keen on each other. There’s one thing we’re always on the same page about, though: My breasts aren’t “trendy.” I’m going to say it again, for the folks in the back—or, more pointedly, those at The Sun, who decreed we’re in the midst of a “big boobs” renaissance in a recent editorial. Interesting; me and my body (or, as the wise Rachel Bloom once said of heavy boobs, “just sacks of yellow fat”) must’ve missed the memo.

I didn’t realize that “Boobs Are Back in a Big Way” until the New York Post republished The Sun‘s observant trend piece yesterday—and it quickly began making its way through the Twitterverse. “We’re in the midst of a big-boob movement,” the Post‘s tweet read.

Respectfully, I’m not alone when I say, “WTF?” Here are some of my favorite like-minded reactions.

thank god the boobs are finally back. i missed the boobs so much when they were gone. https://t.co/g5l2oJwdIr

— eve peyser (@evepeyser) August 1, 2017

I take my boobs out from the drawer in which I've hidden them lo these many years.

"Praise be the New York Post," I whisper. "You're free." https://t.co/eJCMz9dyPO

— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) August 1, 2017

gotta ask my mom if she still has any of her old boobs from the 80s that I can wear https://t.co/TJ0eqMpslL

— Helena Fitzgerald (@helfitzgerald) August 1, 2017

I knew if I kept them around long enough they'd eventually come back in style. https://t.co/RSZtyglavi

— Maris Kreizman (@mariskreizman) August 1, 2017

I love how we discuss women's bodies as if they're colors or accessories that are in one season & out the next. https://t.co/1IeZSm4VRK

— eemi (@eemanabbasi) August 2, 2017

The accompanying article, as it appeared in the Post, goes in to say that we, possessors of breasts, can now “stand up straight, push out [our] chest[s] and work that feminine charm, as bountiful boobs are back in style.” Oh, I’m sorry—I didn’t realize my “charming” anatomy was supposed to be hiding all these years. And to “stand up straight”! I have one follow-up question to that style tip: Have you tried standing straight with 10 pounds of boob hanging from your chest? Yeah, my slouching isn’t out of shame or modesty; holding my breasts up for hours effing hurts.

But let’s address the reason the author is calling out this “breast renaissance”: Recently, the number of celebrities wearing cleavage-bearing silhouettes has increased. Last week Rihanna killed it in an unbelievably beautiful Giambattista Valli gown at the premiere of Valerian; Emily Ratajkowski frequently opts for dramatic, imaginative evening wear, like the Julien Macdonald gown featured above; and, of course, there’s Kim Kardashian, who can be credited with building an entire empire based off of her personal penchant for all things body con—especially if it’s Balmain. These examples and these celebrity bodies are what, according to the column, make big breasts acceptable—even trendy.

Of course, it’s worth acknowledging that the Sun and the Post aren’t the only publications guilty of this egregious confusion of what marks fashion commentary and what’s really just the objectification of women’s bodies. Too often we see the media interpret changes in design and style through the lens of how it looks on its female subjects. Wearing a garment that would look weird with a bra without one and then daring to show the outline of a nipple? That’s deemed a “wardrobe malfunction.” Do you remember when butts were declared “a thing”? Ah, that was… fun.

Yes, if you study the runway, you can see a resurgence of low necklines, see-through fabrics, and collarbone-bearing silhouettes. That, you could say, is a trend. The boobs they may or may not show off? Nope.

Perhaps most unnerving to me, though, was the icky way in which these aforementioned celebrities’ outfits are described. “Rihanna risked bursting out of her voluminous red dress,” the column reads. “She can’t strap those puppies down in order to disguise her feminine curves,” it continues, written off under the guise of body positivity. It concludes: “The fundamental issue here, whether your boobs are big or small, is that we should celebrate our bodies. If you’ve got boobs, then don’t be ashamed of them. Be proud of them.”

OK, but to equate our personal style choices to how we feel in our bodies takes all sense of agency (and sartorial creativity, for that matter) away from us; it implies we only wear low-cut tops to “feel proud” of our breasts. For the record, my boobs and I will be just fine in whatever we decide to wear—overly billowy midi dress or not.

Where this piece could’ve been a celebration of the freedom women have to wear whatever the hell they want without being labeled—or just a straight fashion write-up of how plunging necklines and boob windows (those cutouts smack-dab in the center of the chest)—are happening, the conversation was directed squarely at women’s bodies and how they are perceived in clothes. Therein lies the problem. To repeat, for the umpteenth time: Bodies aren’t “trendy,” and they’re not the world’s for consumption. They are ours to dress how we see fit.

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