Sex on the beach tops many—if not all—women’s summer sex bucket lists. But getting it on as the waves gently lap at your feet and the sunset casts a flattering glow across your naked figure is the stuff of movies, not reality. If you’ve actually attempted it, you know what we’re talking about. Here are seven semi-harsh realities of having sex on the beach, along with a few pointers for anyone who plans to try it this summer.
1. Sand gets everywhere. For some freakish reason, no towel nor blanket can protect you from wily granules of pain that will worm their way onto your back, bum, and—worst of all—your lady parts.
2. Children are always within earshot. Think you’ve chosen a secluded section of sand? Give it five minutes. A troupe of children will come barreling down the beach, soon shrieking, “Mommy! What are those people doing?!”
3. If you’re caught, you could become a registered sex offender. We’re not joking. Sex in public, even on a nude beach where everyone’s bits are out and about, is illegal, folks.
4. You expose everything to sunburn. Unless you headed to one of those aforementioned nudist beaches, you most likely didn’t slather sunscreen on your private parts. And while the idea of your man massaging aloe onto your breasts and butt might sound fun, the other 23-and-a-half hours of the next day will be downright painful.
5. Crabs. We don’t mean the STD variety. We’re talking about the sand-color creatures that can scurry across your towel at the most inopportune time.
6. An orgasm’s unlikely. You’ll be rushing—so no one spots you, or because you’re uncomfortable on that lumpy, grainy sand—and that means you won’t be engaged long enough to get off.
__7. You can’t stay lubricated.__Trying to get busy underwater? Salt water is not going to help. It dries out the rest of your skin. Just imagine what it does down below!
Now, if you haven’t done it yet, or experienced one of the above mishaps and crave a do-over, here are a few insider tips and tricks from staffers who got it right:__
Early morning is actually better than nighttime. No mosquitoes!
Beach chairs are essential. And if you’re at a hotel with one of those lounge-y beds or cabanas, that’s even better.
Sex on the balcony overlooking the beach totally counts.
Spooning under a towel is the best position. Top is on, bottoms are off.