How to (Gently) Introduce Rough Sex in Bed

Dear Emily,

Thanks for the sexual empowerment you offer to everyone. I have a question about introducing bondage and rough play with a new partner. How do you do it? I actually scared a guy recently when I asked him to choke me in bed. That is obviously not my future goal, so I’m hoping you can help me figure out a way to ease partners into it. Also, what’s the best way to tie someone up?

Thanks again for the great advice! I love your podcast.
Kelsey

Dear Kelsey,

First of all, I am so happy you brought up this topic. Beginning to experiment with rough sex isn’t always an easy thing to do. A lot of women are afraid to show their wild side to their partners, or to even explore the possibility that they might have one. Just the fact that you are in touch with exactly what you want and are willing to ask for it is an inspiration to us all.

Still, while you might be ready to try your hand at kinky sex, getting your partners on board is a different story entirely. Despite the ongoing 50 Shades of Grey hype and the curiosity it has encouraged, plenty of men out there are still intimidated by rough play. Think about it: Guys are told their entire lives that they need to treat women with respect. When all of the sudden they’re confronted with the request to choke their partners (or to get rough in another way), they don’t know how to handle it.

Now, that doesn’t mean that you should throw in the “rough stuff” towel. It just means that you might want to tread lightly when it comes to introducing the idea to someone new. It’s important to ease him into it, especially if your partner has no prior experience. Make it a teachable moment—with a little guidance, you can turn him on to your turn-ons in no time.

A great way to get your guy on board with bondage and rough play is to—surprise—communicate. But remember, timing is everything when it comes to sex talk. Offering constructive criticism while you’re in the bedroom can often backfire, particularly when it’s about trying something you two have never done together before. So rather than drop the bomb on your guy in the heat of moment, talk about it outside the bedroom first.

Approach this topic with less “We need to talk” and more “dirty talk.” Giving a sexy prelude to what you have planned for the night can really turn a guy on and help him get in the mood and feel more comfortable. It’s like the equivalent of letting him know you’re not wearing any panties. Leave him a little trail of verbal breadcrumbs as to what you want that night and why you want it.

Also, in this case, less isn’t more. Be assertive! You could say that you think it’s really hot when he chokes you because you like it when he takes control. A lot of men get turned on by being the dominant partner, so by giving your guy that power, you’re catering to his ego and his willingness to try something new.

Once you’ve gotten your guy on board with a little light choking, now it’s time to teach him how it’s done. Contrary to what you may think, not everyone inherently knows how to choke a person in a sexual, non-throat-crushing way. He can’t just wrap his hands around your neck and squeeze haphazardly. His hands should be on the sides of your neck, not pressing down on your windpipe!

A great way to ease him into it is to put his hands in the correct positions and ask him how he feels. Then you can walk him through the next steps. Once he can better understand how to do it, and more important, why it’s so hot for you, he’ll feel more confident and will, hopefully, be able to get into it.

Bondage is another great gateway when it comes to delving into the world of more advanced power play. Plus, a lot of guys are way more comfortable with a little light bondage than they are with choking—less room for error, perhaps?

Although silk ties can get the job done, I absolutely love Sportsheets’ Under the Bed Restraints—I’ve actually had them under my bed for years. They are so easy to use, with four soft adjustable Velcro cuffs that connect beneath your mattress and can be easily hidden away between uses. Plus, they are a lot less intimidating than metal cuffs, rope, or DIY ties.

Just like with the rough sex, when it comes to introducing restraint play with a new partner, make it playful. You could give him a scenario—send him a picture of the cuff on your wrist and say, “I got these new bedroom restraints, and I’m super excited to try them out tonight.” Let him know what to expect beforehand, and everything will go much smoother and sexier in the bedroom.

Speaking of smoother, sexier rough play, don’t forget to discuss the important topic of consent and agree upon a safeword, to help you both feel more comfortable during the acts. This goes for choking, restraint play, and anything else you choose to experiment with together.

As long as you communicate what you want, you should have no problem exploring the big wide world of BDSM, no matter whom you’re playing with!

XXEmily

Emily Morse is a doctor of human sexuality and host of the iTunes top-rated podcast Sex With Emily. As an expert, author, and star of television and radio programs, she has inspired millions of listeners and followers to make sex a priority, enhance communication, and strengthen their relationships. To learn more or to subscribe to her podcast, visit sexwithemily.com.