There was a scene during the second season of The Good Wife that I wanted to send out to every guy in America—hell, in the world. Peter Florrick, played by Chris Noth, stops by the courthouse and sees his wife, Alicia (Julianna Margulies), do some pretty kick-ass defense-lawyering. That night, when he gets home from work, he interrupts Alicia while she’s brushing her teeth. “I saw you in court today,” he says, kissing her. “You were amazing.” She leans back against the sink, telling him she has to study…as his head goes out of frame, below her waist. The look on her face is pure pleasure. I suggest you go view it on YouTube right now.
Hot, right? And while that scene stands out, there’s a lot of ladypart appreciation around these days, whether it’s Azealia Banks singing about her “plum… gettin’ eaten” in the song “212” or Schmidt on New Girl consulting a lesbian gyne cologist so that he too can be “a vagenius.” But not every guy is as confident as Peter or as enterprising as Schmidt—so it’s up to us to help them out. How do you turn a vadoofus into a vagenius? Read on for a four-step issue-solving plan.
Issue No. 1: He won’t go there.
Look: If your guy thinks your downtown area is just for one thing, that’s a problem. If you have to ask him every time, that is a problem. Have a glass of wine for courage, and ask what the deal is. Depending on his answer, you’ll need either another glass of wine or these tips.
Issue No. 2: He fumbles.
Most men do know that there are some key spots to stimulate, but many aren’t totally sure how to locate those spots in the moment (or with a new partner). If your guy is a bit lost, speak up and give him directions—with a few “mmm”s and a “yes!” or two for good behavior. (You don’t want to sound like a sexual GPS: “Left! Right! Recalculating….”) If you’re worrying about his male ego, don’t. Most guys have no problem with some guidance in this department.
Issue No. 3: He’s not using his hands.
Without taking anything away from mouths and other parts, hands are a sexual tool that every vagenius needs, and this applies to both oral and penetrative sex. Gently guide his to where you’d like them to be, and be enthusiastic when they get there.
Issue No. 4: He needs to vary his technique.
If he’s got only one move, it’ll get old no matter how good it feels. Try making sug gestions in the form of questions, such as, “I wonder how it would feel if you moved your tongue/finger in a circle?” or as compliments: “I liked the part where you did that.” Now you’ve got a vagenius on your hands (and other places). Enjoy!