Reader’s Dilemma: Should I Confess to Snooping Through My Boyfriend’s Texts?

Uh-oh, our reader has a guilty AND suspicious mind. It’s a troublesome combo.

She writes:

I’m insecure about my relationship at times, though for most part I’m not given any reasons. It’s just my mind being mean. My boyfriend and I have been dating for eight months. We’re serious—so serious that my boyfriend decided to relocate due to my new job five hours away from his parents. However, I recently saw a text of his with his ex—his high school sweetheart, his first love. Bleh! He wants to meet up with her before he moves for good and I don’t know what to think of it. I know I’m being silly, cause this amazing guy is moving FOR ME! (Although in the text he didn’t mention that; he said HE got the great job opportunity and I’m tagging along.)

It’s been over a week since the messages were sent and he has yet to tell me anything about it. We always tell each other just about everything…or at least I thought. The only thing that makes me feel a wee bit better is that he said “In all likelihood she’s going to be who I marry.” I feel bad enough for going through his text messages, but ahhhh HEEEEEELPP!!!

As someone who has admittedly picked up a boyfriend’s cell phone and scrolled right through his text messages, please know that I am not judging you for this mistake. But as you already know, it was a mistake.

Here’s the thing about snooping: If you really can’t resist the urge to spy on your guy, your relationship is already broken. What you’re going to find out by snooping is if he is the problem, or your paranoia is. Either way, the damage is already done and needs to be fixed if you’re going to continue the relationship.

In your case, sadly, I think it’s both. You said you didn’t have any reasons to be insecure before this, so why were you going through his phone? It’s a violation of trust, which I know you already know and feel bad about, so I won’t harp on that point too much. If you didn’t have any reason to suspect bad behavior, or you did and were too afraid to talk to him about it first, you aren’t secure in your relationship. This is a huge problem, especially if it’s all in your head. You’ve gotta work out why you felt the need to do this.

As for his part of it though, well, I don’t love that he’s texting his ex to meet up, and I really don’t love that he’s lying about his reasons for moving with you. If he really feels the need to meet up with his ex for some kind of closure, he should at least be open with you about that. The positive side is that he doesn’t seem like he’s trying to do anything other than say goodbye to her, and he’s being up front about his feelings for you. Maybe he’s just lying about the reason for moving for his own pride. But he should have been honest with you that he was planning to see her.

If I thought you could put this behind you and move forward without snooping again, I might be tempted to say you should pretend it never happened and spare yourself the huge fight. But I don’t think you can do that. You clearly weren’t secure before, and what you saw is only going to exacerbate the problem. So I kind of think you have to suck it up, confess, and have this major fight. You both lied or at least hid things from each other, and you both need to figure out how to fix this. Be prepared for him to be (rightfully) angry, and don’t make excuses for the snooping (e.g., “Oh, your phone just happened to be on the table and I tripped and accidentally fell on it and opened your text messages”). And while you do need to respect his feelings about your violation of his trust, you also need to make sure he addresses why he wasn’t honest with you about seeing his ex, or you’ll keep feeling suspicious.

If you guys can get through this and move forward and trust each other again, I hope you’ll come out a stronger couple for it.

Have a dilemma of the heart you want to discuss? Email me at [email protected] please!

Do you think our reader should confess and confront? Have you ever snooped and/or found anything suspicious? How did you handle it?

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