This New App Wants You to Put Your Tongue Where?!?!

Now, listen here. Although the “Lick This” app is designed to help a person exercise his or her tongue in order to improve sexual-pleasuring prowess, that’s not what’s grossing me out here. When it comes to that stuff, put your tongue wherever you and your partner feel comfortable. This is a judgment-free zone!

Except that where this app wants you to put your tongue, I judge. I judge so hard. Because it’s your phone. Your dirty, bacteria-covered, germ-infested phone. Ew, ew, EW! You text your mother with that phone?

miley cyrus vmas tongue

Even Miley would draw the line here, I think.

OK, yes, Lick This does recommend that you first cover your phone with plastic wrap, but still, sep! Anyway, there are three basic “exercises” Lick This sets up for you to complete with your tongue—an “Up n Down” move, where you’re meant to flick a light switch on and off, a “Circles” motion, where you use your tongue to turn an imaginary pencil sharpener, and a “Freestyle” play, where you bounce a beach ball. Yes, all with your tongue on the screen of your cell phone.

If I could ever stop shuddering from the idea of mouth-to-phone contact, I would point out that the surface of a phone is not exactly similar to any part of the body you might need to use your tongue on, in a tactile (or any other) sense. But I feel like that’s kind of a moot point, because seriously, ew, don’t put your tongue on your phone.

Have you ever encountered a guy you wished would get some training in the oral department? Maybe you should direct him to “Lick This,” but you better give him some industrial-strength plastic wrap first.

Or maybe just try this instead: The His and Hers Guide to Oral Sex

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