Cheryl Had a Major Moment on Tonight’s ‘Riverdale’ Episode

Riverdale is back, and with—finally—a major Cheryl Blossom story line! Of course, it was buried in between Core Four nonsense. This is Riverdale, after all. Here’s what happened (spoilers ahead, obvi):

Betty’s wearing overalls and stressing about the murder she helped her mother cover up. Chic finds her uneasiness hilarious, but not as hilarious as I find his name: Chic. Meanwhile, Cheryl Blossom throws some shade at her mom, Penelope, for crushing on Hal Cooper, but Penelope hits right back with some comments that almost bring Cheryl to tears. And just like that I hate Penelope.

Over at Château Lodge, Hiram Lodge (it’s finally sinking in that this is Mark Consuelos and always will be Mark Consuelos) offers the family lake house to Veronica, Archie, Betty, and Jughead for the weekend. Veronica doesn’t want Hiram’s driver, André, to chaperone them because he’d ruin their Four Loko buzzes, but Hiram’s insistent he go. (It turns out Hiram wants Veronica in a “safe place” while he meets with some unruly New York families about Papa Poutine’s death. Over this mafia storyline!) He tells Archie that André will be there, unseen, and that Veronica can’t know. This is sketch. Are these kids gonna do Jingle Jangle in the woods or what?

Jughead is convinced Hiram Lodge is planning something “big” and “bad,” which is why he wants the Serpents out of Sunnyside Trailer Park. He’s not wrong, but Lord, I don’t care even a little bit about what Hiram’s planning or how Jughead’s going to foil it. Bring back Cheryl’s dysfunctional mother, please.

Or Kevin! A Kevin narrative will do! Kevin asks Moose if he wants to go see Love, Simon with him in theaters (nice promo, Fox), but Moose says he’s already going with Midge but she’s OK with all three of them going together. Midge apparently knows that Kevin and Moose hook up and she’s “cool with it,” which spooks Kevin. So we’re about to see some…queer polyamory…in high school? Here for it, as unrealistic as that is.

Alright, I officially hate everyone: Cheryl just invited herself to the Core Four’s lake weekend, and Veronica shut her down. Don’t they realize Cheryl is the key to making any weekend not lame? They need her! God, if I have to watch Jughead sit around working on his “novel” by a lake for the next 40 minutes…. Jughead also wants to use Veronica as a “source” for uncovering Hiram’s plan, a plot point I care even less about now that these idiots have snubbed Cheryl.

It’s the day of the lake trip: Jughead goes to pick Betty up at her house, and Chic makes some creepy comment to him about how it will be “bad for Betty and Alice” if Jughead spills the beans about the murder. God, he’s a creep. But also Jughead annoys me, so I’m all for Chic pissing him off.

André drops the kids off at the house, and Archie notices he has a gun, so that’s no good. Jughead then gets a call from Cheryl, who, pissed off about being left out of the weekend, tells him about Archie and Betty’s kiss. Oh my God, I love her so much it physically hurts. F-ck shit up, Cheryl! You look so good!

Toni Topaz overhears Cheryl talking to Jughead on the phone and offers to console her because she seems to be in “a lot of pain.” Oh my God…is this the unlikely romance they’ve been teasing for Cheryl? I’m here for this, I think?!

Over at Lodge Lodge, “Varchie” isn’t sweating Cheryl’s phone call because Archie told Veronica about his kiss with Betty weeks ago. Archie’s a doofus, guys; he couldn’t keep a secret like that! “Bughead,” meanwhile, is completely bugging out. Jughead doesn’t understand why Betty didn’t tell him about the kiss when he came clean about hooking up with Cheryl’s maybe future lover Toni, which is valid. They make amends, though, and then hear the squeaky sound of Varchie banging in the next room. Iconic.

Now that this drama’s over, Varchie and Bughead settle in with some margaritas on the couch. Jughead slyly asks Veronica about the Sodale Project, because he’s trying to figure out Hiram’s end game. Betty tries to get Jughead to STFU, but to no avail. God, if only Jughead would just STFU.

Veronica’s solution to easing this tension is for the four of them to get in the hot tub. She then suggests that she should kiss Jughead to level the playing field between the Core Four, which is self-sacrifice if I’ve ever seen it. They kiss, and it’s super awkward.

Oh my God, now Betty’s wearing her Dark Betty black wig and seducing Jughead in their bedroom. And now Varchie is the couple awkwardly lying in their room. That Veronica-Jughead kiss isn’t sitting well with Archie, apparently. OK, this is the only time I’m going to say something nice about Archie: Sweetie, Jughead kissed Veronica. Sad, pouty, beanie-wearing Jughead! You have nothing to worry about.

Oof, drama: Veronica finds out André’s been creeping on them this whole time and that Archie knew about it. She’s mad and tells Archie she’s going into town with Betty alone and that he can entertain Jughead. So, there’s about to be some toxic masculinity! (Actually, it’s not. They have a very pleasant conversation and make up. Hooray?)

In town, Veronica starts flirting with a store clerk named Cassidy, who’s cute but kinda creepy. He somehow knows where her family’s lake house is, so I have a feeling he’s gonna show up there at night When a Stranger Calls-style.

Back in Riverdale, Mayor McCoy finally comes clean to Josie about her affair with the salt-and-pepper snack, Sheriff Keller. She plans on leaving her husband for him, but Keller hasn’t told his wife about this…or Kevin, for that matter. Ultimately, Josie tells Kevin about the affair, and he flips out on his father. Enraged, he goes to Pop’s Chock’lit Shoppe, where he runs into Midge and Moose. The three of them start talking, and it becomes very clear Midge actually has no idea Moose and Kevin have hooked up, which is the opposite of what Moose told Kevin earlier. Kevin and Josie end up going to the movie together. Ultimately, they sit their parents down, and the four of them have a cease-fire. Awww, blended families from adultery! So tender!

And Toni and Cheryl go to the movie together too. They go to Pop’s after, and Cheryl tearfully comes out and opens up to Toni about a girl she was in love with in junior high. Her mother broke them up and called Cheryl “deviant,” so, yup Penelope’s now on my shit list too. Toni comforts her, grabs her hand, and calls her “sensational,” so you can bet a romance between them is coming.

Also, Hiram apparently bought Sunnyside Trailer Park and the Serpents are celebrating, but Jughead suspects it was for vicious reasons. Veronica, Archie, and Betty tell him that he’s crazy and needs to calm down, and I’ve honestly never stanned the three of them more. But now it’s Betty who needs to calm down, because Hiram Lodge also bought the Riverdale Register. This leads to a huge fight, Bughead vs. Varchie.

But their fight is interrupted by three masked dudes who break into the lodge and starting robbing the place. One of these guys is definitely Cassidy, the clerk from the store. Also, they all look like the Black Hood, which is giving me PTSD. Veronica sneakily hits a panic button in the house, but in the meantime these masked freaks order the Core Four to get on their knees and put their hands behind their backs. But the alarm company calls just in time, which scares the robbers off. This isn’t good for chest-puffing Archie, though, who runs after the guy who took Veronica’s wallet. Of course! Then André swoops in out of nowhere in the woods and shoots one of these guys. What the hell?!?

Things end with Jughead telling Betty that he got a weird vibe from Chic and that she should be “careful” around him. Obviously, it’s implied Chic overheard this. Dun, dun, duuun!