The Bachelor Recap: Fat Toes

I hope everybody watched The Bachelor with socks on tonight because that nonsense could have a serious effect on the confidence of your feet. It’s every foot parent’s worst nightmare: One day, your toes are blissfully unaware of society’s rigorous toe beauty standards—the next, they’re sullen and self-loathing, buying Spanx with their allowance. It happens in America every day and, along with all this other stuff, it happened on Ben Higgins’ third episode as Bachelor.

Most likely to have a secret shrine to Ben: Caila

Caila doesn’t mind when Ben leaves the room with another girl. She just closes her eyes and envisions herself as the girl he’s leaving with, burns a little sage, writes “I Am Caila Higgins” in pig’s blood 1000x, and turns in for a peaceful night’s sleep, the doll she fashioned out of Ben’s chest hair tucked under her pillow.

Mommiest bracelet: Ben

I know in five seconds I’m going to find out that Ben wearing this bracelet constitutes some sort of ultra-humanitarian gesture that makes me look like an a—hole, but until then, can we all just have a good laugh about how your mother-in-law totally has this bracelet, too?

The new subtweeting: The middate flyover

Ooh, you know what would be the best pass-agress way to let those other girls who love you know that we’re together right now? I’ll Instagram the desert and tag you. No, I’ll check into the desert and tag you. NO, let’s just get in a tiny plane and sail over the grotto where they’ve collapsed like a bunch of hungover mermaids.

Most uplifting dogpile: This one

How inspiring must it have been for Alex Morgan and Kelley O’Hara, World Cup winners, to watch a bunch of girls who just learned that you can’t use your hands in soccer collapse in ecstasy after winning a date where they’ll all share one boy?

Most alarming referendum on the state of women: “Fat toes”

Amber and Lace claim to have independently noticed that Olivia “has fat toes.” If this is true, their capacity for fiery scrutiny makes Strang and Buting from Making a Murderer look like a couple of sloppy drunks. But what’s even more depressing than the Amber/Lace Mean Girls duet—and here I feel I should clarify I’m still talking about The Bachelor, not a highway strip club dance number—is when Olivia comes along and Mean Girls-es herself. “Is it my calves? My cankles?” Presumably Olivia went on to make more guesses about her “hideous feet tops” and “gross Achilles.” She hates her body from the waist down, and the second someone close to you dies, she’ll be happy to expand on that.

Craziest witch hunt: The Jubilee Games

Here is my objective assessment of Jubilee as a viewer: Nobody likes it when somebody claims to be “more complicated” than everyone else in the room. But that’s really it when it comes to her culpability. The whole “she offended us by joking about not wanting to go up in a helicopter” thing? I’m not buying it, Ben isn’t buying it, Ben’s pastor isn’t buying it. You ladies have a long way to go in terms of convincing us not to like someone who likes hot dogs better than caviar and wears her Clearasil on-camera like she DGAF.

Second best witch hunter: Lauren H.

Lauren H. gives her blond head a smug little toss and notes that Ben’s going to want someone “who will be friends with all the other soccer moms.” This makes me want to put my head through a pane of glass on so many levels, but I shall resist. I have to stay strong, so I can start a school that will reprogram the morals of every kindergartner Lauren H. has ever taught.

Best witch hunter: Amber

Based on Jubilee’s abhorrent helicopter comment, Amber, like, isn’t sure when the last time Jubilee went on a date was and like, let me stop you right there Amber because I think what you meant to say was THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE, JUBILEE.

Most rapidly approaching breaking point: Olivia

Olivia is hanging her marital future on the fact that Ben pushed off her leg while standing tonight, as if anyone on this show can keep track of what’s a glossy leg and what’s a Pier One roll pillow. But Olivia knows what she’s talking about, all right? There’s also this other guy who keeps tickling her hip and her palm and her ear. OK, the other guy is actually her iPhone set to vibrate, but don’t be fooled by the fact that it’s a plastic box—they’ve got this unspoken communication thing going on right now.

Most valuable tattoo: Lace

Just like her tattoo says, “you have to love yourself before you can love someone else.” And just like Ben’s tattoo says, “Lace is holding me here against my will and I tried to tell Olivia by poking Morse code into her thigh but she isn’t getting it. Please send help.”

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