“When I look into your eyes / I knowthat it’s true / God must have spent / A little more time / On you”—”God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You” by NSYNC, a greatsong that is stuck in my head because I had a dreamabout running into Justin Timberlake on the subway

As teased on last week’s episode of The Bachelorette (you can read my recap of it, but you’re honestly better off reading this recap for, lo, it is so good), we are headed for a Lee vs. Kenny showdown that will no doubt be encouraged and dragged out by the show. (For a great dissection of the racial element in this fight, check out this article by, full disclosure, my IRL buddy Kayla.) Are we having fun yet?

On to the recap! Bryan and Rachel are mack-mack-mackin‘ on a boat, ignoring the drama unfolding back at the hotel, which is that Lee and Kenny are having a very. Stilted. Super. Polite. But. Very. Angry. Argument.

“Bye, snake-y.” —Kenny to Lee

Rachel gives Bryan the group date rose and then leaves, obviously pissed. Kenny uses Bryan’s classiness to talk about what a little shit Lee is and verbally provoke him. It’s very funny to the other guys but obviously not to Lee. Can both of these guys please go home? Rachel deserves better than this.

“It’s very important, not being a bitch-ass dude.” —Kenny

Rachel and Murder Face Jack Stone, both Dallas-based lawyers (have they met before this show?), set off on a one-on-one in a horse-drawn carriage (why?) to an oyster festival. And then they learn a dance. Dancing on a belly full of oysters? Fun.

Rachel is like, “This guy is, uh, very nice, and I am not at all attracted to him. I don’t like him, sorry,” which Murder Face Jack Stone is not feeling in return. She seriously pretends that she’s sick so he won’t kiss her, but he kisses her anyway. Rachel, blink twice if you need a producer to rescue you.

At dinner Jack is like “I love parents,” and “I’m so into you” and “look into my eyes and follow me into this unmarked white van. Don’t worry about it or say anything and don’t scream, it’s fine.”

Fellas, if you have ever wanted to know what a nice, polite girl who is trying to be friendly looks like when she is miserable and screaming internally, watch Rachel’s face during her conversations with Murder Jack. Because she is hiding it pretty well, but she wants to literally run away from him and never look back.

Jack takes Rachel’s tearful goodbye on the chin and leaves with his serial-killer-y dignity intact.

Well, that's unfortunate. #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/0qZYnR7UCK

— Jenn (@HeyitsJennT) June 27, 2017

At the hotel Will explains to Lee that casually calling a black man “aggressive” is unfair and ignorant and plays into a racial stereotype that is often used to justify horrible mistreatment of black people and black men, in particular. Lee, however, says Kenny is playing the race card. And then Will is like, “Did you not hear one single thing I just said?” I’m paraphrasing because I can’t type fast enough to get down what they say all the time, but the point is that Will is correct. And even if Lee wasn’t aware of what he was doing (unlikely, but possible), a good rule of thumb is that if someone tells you that you said something offensive or racist, listen. Don’t just immediately defend yourself. Learn a thing for once.

Side note: This corny yogurt ad about how hard-core moms are makes me want to rip my head off. Yes, moms are very cool—I have one and like her a lot—but the reward for being an awesome mom is not “a yogurt.”

Rachel decides not to have a cocktail party, but who cares because SHE LOOKS SO GREAT IN THIS BLACK DRESS WITH A SLIT I COULD HONESTLY WEEP. Rachel Lindsay is a smoke show and an icon! Um, anyway, enough about Rachel’s perfection; it’s a rose ceremony. (Who the hell is Anthony? I don’t remember this person at all, even though apparently they had a one-on-one?) Going home: Iggy and Tickle Guy, who, yes, tickles her on his way out. It’s still as weird as it was the first time he did it. Iggy cries.

“I’ve gotta get back out there and find a girl who appreciates a goodset of tickling hands.” —Jonathan

Too bad for them because the remaining dudes are going to Oslo, on Broadway Norway. Land of um, brisk temperatures and uh…universal health care? Call your senator. Pretty much immediately Rachel’s like, “Bryan, let’s leave these fools and hang out in Oslo.”

“It’s always hot with —Rachel

They go to the Holmkenghfrfflerkin Olympic Village and rappel off a 187-foot ski jump. They kiss in midair! Why is Rachel wearing heels?

A quick word about how Rachel finds Bryan sooOOOoooo hot. He’s a nice-looking person, sure, and age-appropriate for her, but the reason Rachel finds him so attractive? She likes him. It is, truly, just one of those things about girls. When we like a guy, he becomes very attractive to us. We tell our friends he is very attractive, even if he’s objectively not the hottest guy in the room. (Hot Peter is obviously the hottest guy in the room.) I’m not saying my friend Dana ever does this, but, Dana, you do this. So if you ever see a normal-looking guy with an amazing-looking girl and think, “How did he land her?” the answer is actually very simple. He was f-cking nice to her. OK, that’s my hetero dating PSA for the day.

Eric and Anthony chat about the relative lack of one-on-ones with the black contestants, but Anthony doesn’t break it down along those lines. So that’s something to think about.

Rachel attends dinner wearing gold glitter on her eyelids and it! Is! Fabulous! Her nails match her makeup! I can’t! She tells Bryan that she didn’t get hot until college (where she dated Kevin Durant) and still has insecurities and her “walls up.” Bryan can relate. Then he tells her he’s falling in love with her. She doesn’t say it back, but she does make out with him. Bryan gets a rose. They make out more. She liiiiiiiiiiiikes himmmmmmm.

Date card! Everyone but Kenny and Lee are going on a group date, so Lee and Kenny are gonna go on the two-on-one that’s been teased all night.

Side note, part two: Almost every ad on this program is for prescription drugs. I don’t know what that means, but should I be worried? Do I need Xarelto? I don’t have any blood clots, but you can never be too sure when it comes to blood clots….

Bryan coaches Kenny on his two-on-one, while Lee polishes his cowboy boots because this show has the subtlety of a fart.

She's looking for a man who's good with his hands. #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/olkaI6tnaB

— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) June 25, 2017

She’s looking for a guy who is good with his hands, so they are going to play some European handball, get it? Their coach is Coach Tom, who says things like, “Handball is life.” I like him very much. By far the best part of this game is the teeny water polo/wrestling-type onesies the men are in.

“I don’t have Donald Trump hands, I got these real hands.” —Josiah

Josiah plays the literal game well, but Hot Peter just goes and picks Rachel up by the ass. Josiah calls Hot Peter “my man Clark Kent.” Josiah is funny, is what I’m getting at. Why is Dean wearing a jock strap over his outfit? Everyone is a really good sport, including the beloved Adam Jr., who makes another incredible appearance. Yay boys!

Kenny FaceTimes with his adorable daughter and cries, and my small heart is broken, thanks a lot.

Can someone start a blog of Rachel’s looks? So I can get those boots? But, fine, back to the romance: Rachel chats with Will; he opens up and gets to kiss her, so that’s nice for him. Alex, whose man bun is acceptable, reads her a letter, and she kisses him, so that’s nice for Alex. Matt gives Rachel a lyrically embroidered piece of fabric. Eric is smiling. Basically, the guys are being charming.

Until Josiah. Josiah, whose checkered jacket is definitely borrowed from Peter, does not play to his strength (humor) and tells Rachel that he thinks she’s “the one for him” and that it was love at first sight. Rachel, however, is like, “Are you ever gonna ask me a question about myself?” Fellas, if you ever want to know what it looks like when a charming, smooth guy completely tanks his own chances, watch Josiah.

“Rachel’s Eve. I’m Adam. And there’s a slippery snake in the garden.And tomorrow on our date, the snake is not going to seduce Eve.”—Kenny, fundamentally misunderstanding the events of Genesis

Peter brings Rachel out to look at the beautiful view, and they kiss. Then she suggests getting in the hot tub, where they kiss more. For hours? Possibly for hours. Get. It. Girl. The rose goes to Will, who is getting cuter every day.

For this two-on-one, both Lee and Kenny have chosen to wear hooded T-shirts, which I didn’t even know people made anymore. In any case, we get it, you’re a manly man who is not cold. As they sit by a picturesque lake, I can’t help but wonder: Where is Rachel’s dog, Copper? Who is taking care of Copper? He would love all this nature!

You know Lee tried to return some Norwegian flags at the airport after thinking they were confederate #TheBachelorette

— Michelle Collins (@michcoll) June 27, 2017

Kenny uses his chat time with Rachel to talk about Lee, which is not a smart move. Like, sure, you’re killing Lee’s chances, but you’re not showing the best things about you, Kenny. Rachel seems exhausted by this whole thing.

Wait, but now Lee is talking about Kenny having some kind of drinking problem? And how Kenny pulled him out of a van or…something? Is Lee a compulsive liar or a sociopath? What is going on here?

Rachel puts her lawyer hat on and takes Kenny aside for what is apparently a very cold chat, like literally cold, temperaturewise, about his supposed physical aggressiveness. Kenny, of course, denies this because it’s not true.

But see, this is Lee’s evil genius. He made up some violence and craziness, but he’s driven Kenny so nuts that he actually might get Kenny to be crazy and aggressive. Apparently they all cry on the next episode, so that’ll be uncomfortable! See you tomorrow.

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