Figure Skating Move or Sex Position? Take Our Quiz!
When I told my boyfriend I was making him watch every single second of the men’s, women’s, and pairs’ figure skating competitions with me during these Sochi Olympics, he basically reacted the way I did when I left a room after my sister-in-law announced she was pregnant and my mom said to me, “You’re next”:
But when he realized that I would make it up to him with some sexy times, he was like:
You may laugh, but I’m fairly certain that we aren’t the only couple engaging in this tit-for-tat barter system. I mean, since the beginning of time—or since figure skating has been televised, at least—this elegant sport and sex have gone together like shrimp and grits…or something like that for couples. The point is that these two events are so intertwined that it can be easy to confuse them when you’re in bed with your boo, so you may end up asking for a Salchow (a.k.a. a figure skating jump with a takeoff from a back inside edge of one foot that was invented by Swedish skater Ulrich Salchow in 1909) when you really meant to request a Sack Lunch (a.k.a. Urban Dictionary slang for cunnilingus). That’s why it only makes sense that on the final day of the women’s figure skating competition, I’m providing this handy quiz to see if you know the difference between an ice skating move and a sex position.
“I create a mini spa on my kitchen island. Light candles, make a playlist of his favorite songs, and give him a seductive massage while wearing barely there lingerie. Then we do it on the island,” says Katie, 34.
Is this an ice skating move or a sex position? Neither! It’s the “I hope you wipe your butt cheek grease off this counter before you prepare snacks on it for your Oscars party.”
1. If you and your partner are doing parallel spread eagles, which involves one of you busting out Bob Fosse-esque jazz hands, that’s…
A) Sex Position
B) Ice Skating Move
Answer: B. Parallel spread eagles is an ice skating move in which the male is skating on an inside edge and the female on an outside edge.
2. Does the phrase “Charlotte Spiral” refer to a technique that skaters use to show off their flexibility OR what one of my guy friends says when he hooks up with his ex-girlfriend Charlotte, even though she’s toxic for him?
A) Ice Skating Move
B) Sex Position
Answer: A. Charlotte Spiral is a move in which the torso is bent down toward the skating leg, with the free leg held in a 180-degree vertical split position. It’s also known as a candlestick spiral.__
9. Don’t be alarmed if the Cantilever is not mastered on the first attempt; it rarely is, but that doesn’t stop most from trying to do this…
A. Sex Position
B. Ice Skating Move
Answer: B. A Cantilever is a move where the knees are bent and the back is bent backward, parallel to the ice. This can either be done with the hands on the ice or, for the more adventurous, with them extended in the air.
10. If you and your partner are doing the Super Eight, you’re looking to achieve a 6.0 OR a 6.Ohh! OR both. OR neither. So what is the Super Eight…
A. Ice Skating Move
B. Sex Position
Answer: B. The Super Eight is for sexy times. It’s when the woman lies on her back with her legs spread and a pillow placed underneath her bottom. The man lies over her and she arches up to meet his thrusts.
11. If you end up in the hospital (and possibly with your own TV show on TLC as a companion piece to the hit show Sex Sent Me to the ER), it’s probably because you didn’t do any light stretching before attempting this…
A. Ice Skating Move
B. Sex Position
Answer: A. Sorry for all the trickery! The Falling Leaf is a skating move. It’s a one-half rotation jump with a loop entry and forward toe-pick assisted landing.
12. It’s commonly believed that if a pair can successfully do the Suspended Scissors, they ought to be rewarded with a medal…of some kind. So what are they doing when executing this complicated action?
A. Sex Position
B. Ice Skating Move
Answer: A. The Suspended Scissors is ridic, y’all! Don’t believe me? Check out the description on Netmums.com:
This position is for the slightly more energetic, and she’ll definitely need some strength in her arms. She lies off the edge of the bed on her side, just with her calves, ankles, and feet still on the mattress. She supports herself with her left arm, and he holds her up from her waist. He steps over her left leg and, holding her other leg up, enters her while she dangles precariously off the bed! It sounds confusing but will all come together when she gets going. This really gets the blood pumping and should give her an explosive orgasm.
Dear Lady who wrote this on Netmums.com:
But Godspeed to those who attempt this position!
So, how did you do?
0-3 correct: Oof. Get thee a HBO subscription, so you can get a sexumacation!
4-7 correct: You know just enough to survive small-talk at church. J/K! Don’t talk about sex at church.
__8-11 correct:__You are my mom. Seriously, moms know their toe loops from their triple lutzes.
12 correct: You’re a sexpert and a figure skatpert. OK, OK, not everything I write is going to be a winner, but YOU are, so yay!
__Have you been enjoying the figure skating during the Sochi Olympics?
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